xcatastrophic

so here i am. foggy-eyed after crying all day. i dont know what all of this has come to. i feel like living is hopeless but dieing isnt an option. everytime i started crying today, i kept seeing this image of my arm and me taking a safety pin carving lines in my arm as they fill up with blood. why am i having this image replayed in my head?

im not happy with myself. a matter of fact, ive grown to hate myself. wats new. i question whether being entered into a mental institution would help or not. maybe i am a nutcase that deserves to be locked up and sent away. i have no friends where i live. and my mom is showing signs of hatred towards me. all she does is yell, nag, scream, slam doors at me. my dad is fed up with me. what the hell am i suppose to do? all i ahve is my best friend and boyfriend. and theyre a whole hour away! [tears fall.]

i dont know how many more entries im going to write on how miserable i am here in clarksville. i dont know if this is my millionth and last one... or if this is just my millionth one that will be followed by another tomorrow. but what i do know is that im tired of faking this smile. and im tired of being so sad all the time.

im trying to give myself a better outlook on life. for the past two-weeks ive been carefree going by the statements: "dont take life for granted" ... "you only live once" ... "you're not promised tomorrow"... but when things like what happend today come up.. its hard. i tried to tell myself, dont spend your days crying spend them rejoicing. but ya know, i dont really find it so easy to do. once im okay. im back to crying.

i took a couple of new kids under my wing at beech and led them to groups of friends. two of them being Ricki & Bethani. I tried to help them fit in as much as possible. And here I am. The new kid, and God doesn't place anyone in my life to take me under there wing. Now, in someways im so pissed off at God i cant see straight and in others im trying to figure out what the hell he wants to do with me in this shithole.

this entry is going nowhere, but i needed to vent. so. im done.

so im now ungrounded from the computer & my cell cos i brought my english grade up. so i fail i being normal but if i can bring a grade up i get ungrounded. sweet.

i miss jeremy already and he just left yesterday. im way tired. too tired for this time of night. but oh well.

i went and turned in an application today at the tanning bed. they're not hiring right now but i know someone who works there who is about to drop some hours. score. ?maybe?. anyways.

as of friends at this dreaded 8 hour a day function we call "school" i dont have many and i dont care too cos i dont plan on staying here much longer. its almost senior year. too bad i have to miss out of all the normal senior functions. i almost want to say that i hate my parents for doing this to me but i just cant bring myself to it. i have no real friends in my grade. i guess that okay. my best friend here is going to be leaving at the end of this semester. great. as the tears trinkle down my face i almost want to scream but hopefully God will lend me a hand and guide me through this.

as for friends in general. im seeing who my true friends are. i dont have any but katelyn & jeremy. and sometimes i think tehy're all i need. everyone else is dumb. they back stab & talk crap. they're fake and retarded. maybe im being rebellious on the subject but im being to despise some of the people i use to know. if i can even say i know them because now that i live here, im starting to see the real them and i hate them for being so fake.

i wana scream.
i want to say that today was a wonderful day so badly but when it really comes down to the truth, i can't bring myself to speak those words.
the one job i want isnt hiring. i had an abnormal longing to be in jeremys arms all day. i could taste coffee all the morning but my school wont let us drink anything unless its during lunch, and if you think for one second this day in time my school provides coffee, you're dead wrong.

i dont wana be here in clarksville anymore.
i dont belong.
and as much as i preach about it everyday, unfortunately nothing will ever change. i havent been this far down in the dumps in a while... and i suppose the lack of medication for four days could be the answer to my problem.

i think im going to go i/m an old friend and talk some things over because i havent exactly been a friend to her since she moved.
kbye.

i hate that im missing out on my old life.
i hate even more that some people are so stupid & ignorant and can't see a fake person if it were flat out in front of there face.
i also hate that i cant see jeremy.
i also hate girls at school.
i also am beginning to hate two girls imparticular that i want to punch in their face and tell them to get a life.



im tired. & pmsing. and ready to effing kill someone.

and i want to be able to use my phone when i want to instead of only 30 minutes a nite. and i want to be able to use the computer. ps. my parents think im doing aproject. WORD.






ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh<3 scream.

so im going to be grounded for the rest of my life.
my mom thinks im doing a report, haha funny its spring break and im stuck at home. WORD?

neways. so im grounded for the first time since like what? middleschool? chea.
so. neways. uhm. k well its not important fo why i got grounded so peace out.
k byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee<3



jeremy. i love you. <33

Thank God it's spring breakkkkkk!!!!

Unfortunately I have accomplished all of... nothing.
I have a 500 pt project due when we return to school.
as well as another project for C.ART dang.
but neways.

i've never ate so many fatty foods in my life.
i forreal need to watch it.imma be HUGE.
ive never been this big and im disgusted with myself.

today i bought a skirt from goodwill.
its ca-ute! anddd yesterday i bought a vest & polkadot shirt.
they're pretty hot as well.

this spring break has been amazing simply for the fact that
i've already hung out with all the ppl i really wanted to.
i hope i see jonathan between tomorrow & saturday.
i luv that boy! lol

so. tomoro im going to the ville
im so excited to go back home.
AND i get to see jer again.
AH. ::SCREECH IN EXCITEMENT::

kbyee<3

i hate it here so bad.
its starting to mess with my head.
its starting to make me treat people differently.
i dont know what to do anymore.
i seem like im always in a bitchy mood and i really try not to be.
my zoloft has been raised 50mgs.
it should help with all of this
but for some reason, i still cry everyday.
it seems like one day all the tears would just stop coming,
but they wont.
as i was in the bath tub tonight i thot about how easy it would be to end it all. but then i realized that if i did, id be giving some people exactly what they want. in some ways it seems like the answer and in other ways it only feels like a mistake.
deep down inside i know i could never bring myself to do it...
but theres always that .. what if?

I started this entry directing it towards a group of people.
Then at the end of it, after I re-read it all, I realized, that this group of people aren't even worthy of posting a blog about. I started off so mad, so confused, and so irate that I was ready to kill someone. While all along, I was so lonely and empty. Then I came to this synopsis. If they don't care. Why should I?

So I return back home, excited as anything to see my friends. After i'm ignored and hardly talked to, I realize that they don't feel for me the way I feel for them. They don't miss me the way I miss them. But why should they? They still have all their other friends. One friends gone. That's all. I can be replaced. Where as for me, I have all of my friends gone and I can't seem to find anyone to replace them. So how is it that I can be replaced but they can't? Maybe I didn't play as big of a role in their life as I thought I did. Maybe I never made an impact. Now i'm crying. I don't know why.

But i'm not going to worry about them anymore. I'm going to let them carry on with their lives. I shouldn't have to hold them down. Oh wait, i'm not because they hardly even see that i'm gone.

The don't see how lonely I am. Not because I'm not willing to tell them, but because they're not asking.

Well here ya go. This is my average day at school.

I walk into my first period class. No ones in there but the teacher. I pull a book out to read and wait for the rest of the class to arrive. Finally, they're all in their seats. Doing there work. I continue to read or maybe do some homework that I should've done the night before. [ps. first period i'm a T.A.] bell rings. I head for my second period class; praying I don't bump into someone and get beat up. I enter my second period where i'm surrounded by sophomores and freshman and people that I don't belong with. Luckily theres a very classy sophemore named Sidney in there. She's fashionable and has a good outlook on life. [why don't I hang out with her throughout school? well i guess its just the type of relationship that oyu only carry on during class. thats all.] Then I wait for the next bell to ring and I go to my third period where i'm excited as anything because I get to see Dean & Tina. After third, I go to advisory. Advisory is like our break of the day. We go to a classroom, or just stay in our third period class and hang out. Well, when I was once talked to by amanda ashley kelly and the rest of them I went to Ms Mac's room. I still go there because Kayla is in there and she's ignored just like I am. Anyways, we then head to fourth period once advisory is over. I get into fourth, and pray there isn't a test because I don't know if I can take the stress. Then it's lunch. I go to lunch. eat my lunch. read my book since i'm being ignored at lunch and then when the bell rings i go and meet dean at the tray drop off and he walks me to my fourth period because hes just that good of a friend and knows that im having a rough time. we finish fourth then go to fifth. which for me is art. tina and daniel are in there. normally i would be painting but now i have picked up clay. so now i turn my iPod on and work my fingers to the beat. bell rings and i go to sixth where Sidney and I meet once again. I now sit with her in that class as well as Joe & Trever which seem to be nice guys. I then leave. And go to the tanning bed and wonder around clarksville and then come home. I never hang out with anyone out of school because im just not cool enough to hang out with.Thats my day. I go from a place where I know almost everyone to a place where no one cares to know me. I don't know why I care. But I do. I just wish I was noticed. Thats all.

and this is why I'm miserable.
I have no one.
Maybe if you were in my place, you would see.
But you aren't and you don't.

This weekend has been ok.
But last night was amazing.

Uhm, lost 40$ this weekend.
Jeremy lost his cell phone.
if we get married, we'll probably like... lose a kid.
great. <3

neways.
needless to say, this entry is pointless.

but tomorrow is school & i need to shower.
but. im lazy.


KBYE. <3

this day.
uhm.
sucks.
kbye.

you know that you need to lose weight when your dad mentions that you've never been so big. i fought the tears simply bcos ive had a bad enough day and cried a river already.

i went to see my doctor about my zoloft today. a checkup. i had a complete break down in the office cos i was already having a horrible day and i didnt feel like being reminded that im mentally sick. i come home and my mom and i have this huge fight. i cried. she felt bad. but told me that im not depressed, i just need to get my head out of my ass.

thanks mom and dad. <3